Walking in Spirit

My younger brother introduced this spiritual song to me last year, and I remember the feeling of how the tune gave off a romantic vibe. That’s exactly what my relationship with GOD has been this past year: a love affair. 

There are a lot of times I am filled with tumult and confusion as to what GOD has planned for me. Many times in adoration, I cry when I look at the Eucharist placed on the altar, and I am often filled with abundant tears. It’s an intense spiritual experience as I am consoled in the presence of the holy spirit. As much as we crave this kind of love and respect from God, he craves that same amount of love and respect from us in return. During this past holy week, I watched the Passion of the Christ with my youth group at Church. In a particular scene where Jesus is on the cross on Calvary Hill or known as Golgotha, he said, “I thirst.” The soldiers thought Jesus was thirsty and asking for water.” And instead, they give him sour wine that is mixed gall which gives it a bitter taste. I think this can be taken more as a metaphor when Jesus says, “I thirst”. He’s not necessarily asking for water because he’s thirsty. He is indeed thirsty for our love, compassion, reverence because our thoughts and actions can be bitter towards him. There is another beautiful example in the bible where Jesus says, he is thirsty and asks for water. It is when he meets the Samaritan woman at the well. When Jesus asks her if she can give him water, she is surprised that the man is asking for a drink considering that she is a Samaritan and he is a Jew. In return Jesus responds,  “if you ask me, I will tell you where to get living water.” Jesus is aware of the life of this Samaritan woman, and that she leads an immoral and unsatisfying life because her husband abandoned her.

I was raised as a Christian my whole life, but only decided to strive to know who GOD is and continually grow in his presence within the past few years. I’ve been trying to dive into the Bible this year, and it has been reaffirming that he alone plays a significant role in my life. There are many of us who try to fill the void in our lives with external sources, but we fail to realize it’s the Heavenly Father who can fill that void for us. I was indeed one of those people who failed to find my companionship and happiness in only GOD, and instead in the pursuit of happiness based on a relationship status or any unfulfilling luxuries in life. The greatest tragedy is not death, but life without purpose. As I read the bible more often, I came to this harsh realization that GOD is universally large; yet, more simple than we imagine. I came to face this honest revelation as I studied the book of Job, the works of Jesus, his time with his disciplines, and Paul’s letter. This Lent season was honestly humbling to reflect upon my spiritual journey with GOD. I gained spiritual awareness of how much of an active role GOD plays in our life, and I learned to commit myself to salvation keeping in mind why Jesus sacrificed for humanity essentially. 

Taking the long way home

After a stressful few months earlier this year, I aimed to transition back to my healthy routine by signing up for a 5K with my friends this past summer. And honestly, I was more motivated after the race to reinstate my lifestyle. During my freshman year of college, I adapted unhealthy eating habits which gradually led to changes in my appearance. While pulling several all-nighters and binge eating, I failed to realize I was neglecting my overall well-being. Amid the uncontrolled stress levels, I tried to find solace in food. Long after I realized my physical appearance was changing, I wanted to fix it by taking the shortcut. I put myself through a rigid diet plan and workout schedule to lose the extra weight. My friends often ridiculed the way I was constantly restricting myself, and I was in denial by reassuring myself that I was doing what was optimum for my body. As a result, I was only able to maintain this lifestyle for five months until I hit the plateau phase, and I relapsed by regaining all the weight the following semester.

Over the years, I learned ways to manage my fitness and food habits without sabotaging my mental health. For almost three years now, I follow intermittent fasting that helps me to manage my weight, curb my cravings, enhance my productivity and mental clarity. My weekly runs are what paved a path for me to foster an holistic lifestyle. I have been running for two years now, and it has added a new dimension to my life, giving me a profound sense of freedom, taught me to be more resilient. And importantly, it taught me to persevere despite my drawbacks and failures in my personal and professional life. I no longer deprive myself of eating to lose those inches around the waist, nor I am bothered about the stretch marks, but I am more self-aware of how to be my own architect of my health and body fitness. In many aspects, running has definitely helped me to achieve that positive mindset. Particularly at a time when we are nowhere near the end of this pandemic, it’s so critical to keep in mind that the human body is our responsibility. We need to treat it well with a nutritious diet and plenty of exercise; and in return, it will reward you with rich health.

An Exquisite Friendship

A few weeks ago, I watched the Netflix documentary, My Octopus Teacher, which depicts a wildlife filmmaker (Craig Foster) forging an unusual friendship with a cephalopod during his underwater expedition. The documentary is deeply meditative, as it beautifully frames the vibrant life of the kelp forest off the coast in South Africa. It hits close to home when this gentleman mentions how he one day decides to venture out on this diving venture to seek a radical change from his depression. At first, he comes across an alien-looking creature shielding itself with seashells, but later onwards, he realizes it is a wild octopus armoring itself from predators. He often visits her in anticipation to understand her environment, lifestyle, and behavior. Then one day, she puts one of her tentacles out toward him to greet this stranger. She soon trusts this man like a friend, and she shows off her mannerisms and intelligence as if she is trying to impress this new guy. Even though he doubts if this creature is getting anything out of this relationship, he revisits to bond with her and to understand her high invertebrate intelligence. He states he was impressed to see this highly anti-social animal play with the shoal of fish. As a viewer, it was like watching a poetry in motion, particularly in the way she was cloaking herself and making those gentle strokes with her tentacles as if she was playing a piano.

When the octopus huddles in its den as she recovers from the shark attack, the filmmaker remembers his depressive state of mind. He notices how both of their lives are reflecting off each other as this resilient creature regenerates her severed arm, and soon, he is confident he will be able to grow out of his depression. He starts to question his own vulnerability and his relationship with others while he kept going back during the healing process. It was dreading to watch the octopus slowly die while she was saving her energy and strength to oxygenate the eggs, so they are able to hatch in time. Even during her last days, she resides outside her den to die, and in some way, she was letting the fishes and brittle stars to feed off her, allowing the kelp forest to nourish. After her tragic death, Craig visits her main den to feel her presence, and then, he comes across a baby octopus that might be one of her own young. He takes his son underwater to show and teach him everything, passing on his knowledge about marine wildlife. Seems to me, he was trying to get closure and pay her respect by teaching his own son about the ocean because the octopus had no parents to guide her, nor she was able to be there for her own young.

Above the surface of the water, the kelp forest looks like just patches of isolated, dense area, but they provide food and shelter for thousands of marine species. The film reminds us we are all connected to the earth and the small lives around, whether it being in life and even death. We express our gratitude to John Muir for his visionary ideas and conservation efforts that led to the national parks we have access to in the modern-day. However, we are so behind on the sanctuary of marine wildlife because we go on with our way of life that is affecting the ocean’s health. The film reminds us we have a responsibility to protect and sustain the marine biodiversity to create a healthy ocean and ultimately a healthy planet.

Stay Strong

For the past few months, I am struggling to write as much because I keep losing focus. I am constantly revising my drafts and putting them off to finish later because I fail to gather my thoughts together. Though, I ought to write this post especially, since we are facing these challenging times. Cultural stigmas are incessant battles, as those pertaining to their ethnicities face constant criticism from society. Reminiscing back to my early childhood which I spend in India, I remember how schools or even families never drew attention to this sensitive topic. On top of that, it’s very common to see parents insisting to their child that they’ll outgrow this temporary phase. There are so many adolescents who shut themselves off because they are unable to express what’s racing in their minds. Even in western society, it’s shaking to think that there is so much taboo surrounding the topic. We need to work towards a world where we value mental health and treat it the same way as physical health. That way everyone has somewhere to turn to when they need help. We all deserve some love.

My Alma matter (UNC Greensboro) took this picture when they were hosting the annual mental awareness month in September

Staying at home and being healthy seems like the optimal option during this pandemic, but social distancing comes with its own fallout. It’s normal to feel separated from the support and companionship of our friends and family. Even though some of us might be staying at home with our family, the reality of social isolation can trigger loneliness, sadness, and anxiety. It can be difficult to voice out for help when we live in a world craved by societal norms that dictate our every move and thoughts. We fail to realize the immense amount of pressure in presenting that ‘perfect’ person. To anyone out there who is going through a rough time, remind yourself that you are not alone because God is watching over you. Keep emphasizing to yourself that you are much stronger than your mental health and that you will grow out of this. Don’t be afraid to fully embrace the vulnerabilities, pain, and insecurities. Do not be petrified to speak your voice and break the glass ceilings that societies impose on us. It’s time we break that stigma by making our mental health a priority and advocate for a better support system. If any of you are going through a tough time coping with these unprecedented times, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I may not know each of you personally, but I will take the time to talk with you. It’s far better to express it all out to a stranger than let it fire in your mind.

Break the Silence

Just when we start adapting to the new life in a pandemic, it’s devastating to see the unjust killing of another black individual. My heart is heavy and mind is filled with rage, turmoil and sadness every time I hear about a death similar to George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery and several others. This should not be the new ‘normal’ that we have to face. As a matter of humanity, I thought it’s important to come forward and address the systematic racism that continues to persist in the US history. It’s been a decade since we voted for a black president to symbolize the nation and its people. It’s been half a century since Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., fought hard against racial injustice. Even when we believe we have come far since then, we are proven wrong by these hate crimes, anti-immigrant rhetoric and white supremacy. I must admit there was a time when I was hesitant to share my thoughts on racism and injustice. But as Dr. King once said, “there comes a time when silence becomes betrayal”. My heart goes out to the entire black community who have been victims of racial injustice. I pray there comes a day where you are able to walk across the street without any fear of your lives being in jeopardy. I relentlessly pray the future generation would not have to watch history repeat itself again. I may not resonate with what you might be going through, but I unquestionably stand in solidarity with each one of you.

#blacklivesmatter

Dress for yourself

A few years ago, I perceived fashion to a term given what’s trendy out there and what’s attracts others the most. Most often, we care so much about fitting in with the crowd, but we forget to be ourselves. More than trying to adapt to the latest fashion trend, it’s more important to cultivate your own unique style that presents yourself to be confident and charismatic. Following the pop culture or certain fashion brands might help to draw inspiration, but one should be creative and dress based on their own comfortability. I love being creative and having my own style that allows me to express who I am and shape myself. A lot of people have told me my style has changed drastically and it probably has. There are things I am more comfortable wearing now that I would never wear when I was 17 years old. Back in high school, I often had to fight against feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I often felt very down when I saw I could not meet up with the expectations of others on how I should dress and what they find attractive. Over the years, I learned to accept that I am the one who defines what makes me look good instead of going by others and what they find attractive. Even if this line of thought makes me look like a rebellion, all human acts are some sort of rebellious that requires real courage.

The actress, Helena Carter once quoted, “Everything in life is an art. What you do. The way you love someone and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you dress”. Indeed, fashion is one of the purest expressions of art because it is an art lived on a daily basis. Dressing for yourself is no easy task, but I can assure it’s very liberating when you start to care less and accept your body as it is. So, if you want to wear those baggy jeans with the oversized sweater, don’t let the external voices tell you it looks very tacky. It’s your look and you know what you’ll rock wearing.

The Other Side

During my senior year, I sought to make my final year at UNC Greensboro impactful to myself and my peers. When I signed up to be a camp counselor for Camp Kesem, I was eagerly looking forward to being part of this passionate community, which truly lives by its purpose. Camp Kesem is a non-profit organization that provides a free week of summer camp for children, supporting them through and beyond by their parents’ cancer. There are over 100+ chapters nationwide, entirely run by college students. Kesem has by far been one of the best things I have ever experienced during college, and I can not explain my new profound love for the organization. If it was prior to Kesem, I would be reluctant to attend summer camps, being oblivious to its primary purpose. I never partook in any camps as a child, nor had been a camp counselor. As camp days approached, I was hesitant to be part of the camp, having a vague picture of what to expect.

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However, I feel so fortunate to spend my time as a counselor, bonding with kids of all ages and other colleagues. It is captivating when you understand all the campers and counselors resonates amongst each other on ‘why they Kesem’. I lost track of the days; I felt like I was on a vacation out in the woods with my family. Having depression and anxiety for the past five years, I am really particular about who I share it with. By being part of the Kesem family, I felt supported instantly. There was one particular time when all the kids and counselors gathered around to talk about ‘Why We All Kesem?’. It was incredibly empowering to listen to the kids’ stories. I was touched and was not able to resist my tears when I realized that some of them are just as confused and anxious. They have difficulty acknowledging the gravity of their situation; and so, they mask their confusion by playing and laughing. Kesem opened my eyes to find there are some kids forced to grow up and mature at a young age after the loss of a parent or when they find about their parents’ cancer.

On our last night, we gathered around a campfire to sing the camp song one last time. We were all handed a pine cone to symbolize any fear we have. As I tossed the pine cone into the fire and watched the fire turn blue, I felt as if the weight around my neck lifted off. I surrendered myself to the moment between the tides, finding peace within the tumult that is to come. I felt liberated when I saw that my fears were ignited, reminding myself to not dwell on the past and to live in the present. I am not even sure if I’ll be able to be part of camp next summer, but I am never going to let go of this life experience. I am uncertain what the future holds for me, but I will carry the spirit of Kesem in my endeavors. Being part of the Kesem family has motivated me to prioritize my values, happiness and to foster my relationship with my family. It’s remarkably inspiring when you are able to forget all your worries and feel rejuvenated by being a kid again for a week. The camp forced me to be vulnerable and provided me with a different outlook on life. I walked into Kesem desired to bring a change in the kids’ lives, but Kesem has also transformed me for the better by nurturing my creativity and leadership skills.

A Letter To Myself in 5 Years.

Hey! I am writing this as I’m sitting outside the Sullivan Building at UNCG. I just finished my last class for the day. I am 22 and almost two months away until graduating. I am still not sure what I am supposed to do and that’s okay! 🙂 I just want to say I hope you are doing well in life and living the way you always dreamed of. I hope you got into the graduate school in New York like you wished for. I hope you don’t treat your mind like a prison anymore and let all those unwanted thoughts just stay cluttered in there. Treat yourself with self-compassion like how you always show others. Just remember that everything is temporary in this world and appreciate the little things around you. I hope you still embrace your life with a smile no matter what you are going through. I know you are not that close to your dad, but keep working on your relationship with him. Most of all, surrender all your fears to GOD and let Him fill you with His peace. He understands and loves you more than anyone! I honestly can’t wait to see how much you grow five years from now.

I tried to make it impromptu as possible and just wrote whatever came to my mind. I got this idea to write a note to myself after watching a video on Youtube where this girl asks strangers to record a voicemail for themselves to listen to in 5 years. Her name is Thoraya Maronesy. Her content is so inspiring. You guys should check her Youtube channel out.

Leaving Home

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It is so hard to believe it marks three years since I started college here at UNC Greensboro. Things have changed a lot then– new friends, going away from home, adjusting to college life, changing majors, career choice and being independent. Along with that, I think it made a lot of changes within me as well. These last three years have definitely helped me to become a better version of myself, get perspective, get out of my comfort zone and change my mentality. When I first came here, I was really a girl with so much anxiety who knew literally no one other than a few people from back home. I was frightened out of my mind, thinking if I will fit in and adjust to the new college. From all the long nights in the library, binge coffee drinking session, little dance parties in my room, crying over the phone with my family, skipping class to hang out with friends, getting drunk together, spontaneous road trips, I can not believe these past few years have passed by in the blink of an eye. The sense of community at this place is unmatched. I honestly wouldn’t trade these past three years of my life at UNCG for anything. As much as I will miss this campus and the people tremendously, I am ready to move on with my life and onto the next chapter.

Secret Santa

Just a few weeks ago, a teenager came into the grocery store where I work. When it was time for her to pay the bill, her eyes looked so helpless. Her son who was only 3 or 2 years old was sitting in the cart crying. She looked frustrated searching for extra cash in her bag to pay the remaining balance. A gentleman next in line was so kind and willing to pay for her entire grocery.

I remember a long time back, a day before Christmas Eve, my family was driving back home from a road trip. We stopped at a restaurant to eat something. It was almost midnight and we weren’t familiar with the road. We were all tired and starving, we just wanted something to grab a bite. Everybody in the restaurant was dressed up really nice. I was slightly embarrassed to go in there because we looked like someone from the street. We just ordered a whole pizza for all us. That was the only cheapest item on the menu. As we were eating, a gentleman who was sitting right across us walked to our table and put a 20 dollar bill. We were awestruck as he wished us happy holidays. He walked away so quickly we didn’t even get a chance to thank him. We didn’t know who he was or if we’ll ever see him again, but we were so flattered by his kind gesture.

Since the holidays are just around the corner, the act of kindness and giving is in the air. Back when we used to live in New Jersey, my parents had literally nothing in their pockets. It was our first Christmas here 14 years ago, but we knew we were unfortunate to get any gifts. I was so jealous when the kids at school talked about what they wanted for Christmas. Just a week before Christmas Eve, the priest from the parish church let us know that a anonymous family wants to donate gifts and money for us. Just after coming back from Christmas Eve mass, we saw five towers of presents stacked next to the tree in the living room. The room looked so lit with the lights and all the gifts. We didn’t want to wait until the next morning to open the presents. We were so thrilled and filled with excitement as we were unwrapping all the boxes. That Christmas still remains to be my favorite holiday even after all these years. We woke up the next morning seeing snow for the very first time. I believed god was showering my family with his glory as we began a new life. As Christmas is approaching, I think it’s very nice to do a random act of kindness every day in the spirit of this holiday season.