Her story

Color her in vibrant colors.
She shines in gold of divinity.
Exudes grace is shimmering silver.
Her passion is in the shades of red
She is all sweetness in pretty pink
Compassion and are colored in green
Deep and dark blues show her integrity
Yellow highlight her joy and exuberance
Her persona is rainbow hued, vibrating with life.
“Her” An ode to all women — Keep it alive by Sadje

*I captured this few years ago when my Alma matter (UNC Greensboro) was hosting the annual clothesline project to spread awareness of sexual assault and domestic violence*

Around this time last year is when we heard about the prevalent femicides that were occurring in Turkey. Despite efforts to prevent gender-based violence over the past few decades, femicide persists globally particularly last year during the COVID-19 pandemic as men are more likely to abuse their domestic partners. We hear about cases where children are raped even before they reach adolescence which makes it seem as though the world is not a safe place for women or even girls of any age. I remember at the time I was 8 or 9 years old when my older cousin informed me about how there is a grand ceremony held for girls if she has her first period where guests bring her gifts and feed her sweets. Paradoxically, now that same individual has to carry on that burden of being a woman for the rest of her life. All of a sudden, she is supposed to ‘act like a women’, and she needs to be cautious pertaining to her body and lifestyle, so she isn’t a victim of rape, sexual assault, or molestation. I obviously didn’t comprehend the paradox to this idea back then. As a 24-year old woman, I can’t help but laugh at the absurdity even though I acknowledge the raw reality behind it. From the beginning of time, rape has always been an ever-looming threat in any part of the world. Just almost two years ago, a college-aged woman was raped and murdered in the back of her car by a predator because the victim didn’t respond to his catcalls. In the rape culture, it’s a recurrent theme where society blames victims for their circumstances by questioning their attire, alcohol intake, marital status, or even what time of day they were outside. In the Islamic tradition, God “Allah” initiated the wearing of the hijab in the Qura’an to honor and value women. When I asked one of my Muslim friends, she confided that wearing a hijab empowers her by giving herself a sense of value and respect. That being said, for those women who choose to not wear a hijab, it does not make them any less Muslim. But whether we like to admit it or not, rape culture is pertinent in the Muslim community like any other religious group regardless of modest clothing.

Even worse, it goes beyond just women’s safety and gender-based violence since it revolves around equal rights as well. We are going through times where people are applauding the idea of feminism. There are strong women leaders like Malala Yousafzai and Michelle Obama who advocate for young girls, fighting economic and political barriers to education. However, a large portion of society still de-shames this progressive thought. After marriage, it is common to see new brides strive to be the submissive wife that her husband and his family expect her to be. They sacrifice their hopes, ambitions, and careers for her family. In countries like India where society is patriarchal, there are high rates of illiterate women because they are married off once they reach 18 years old. Even though present-day India offers several opportunities for women to voice their opinion in everyday life, this was not the scenario twenty years ago. Since women were considered to be emotionally and economically dependent on their husbands, my relatives and extended family mocked my mom when she chose to work as a nurse in Saudi. She had no other choice to leave my older brother who was 2-year-old at the time within the care of my dad. Even today, patriarchy is still deeply rooted in Indian society, making it difficult for modern women to live her life on their own terms. Regardless of what a woman achieves in her life, society judges her on the basis of the ancient stereotypes about what an ‘ideal’ Indian woman should be like whether it’s about juggling household chores and the ability to conceive a child.

For me, this issue has always been personal. Because despite the income from both my parents, it was inadequate to raise our family of five in India. Like most immigrants, my parents too traveled to the United States when I was a child because they had faith in the American dream. They sacrificed the natural comfort of their homes and native language, envisioning a better education and opportunities for themselves and their children. My dad worked a blue-collar job and my mom started as a nurse aid and eventually worked her way up. Seeing their struggles and hard work, I realized the importance of determination and perseverance to make it in this world. Back in the day, it’s uncommon for girls past eighteen years old to pursue higher studies, so it makes me proud to see my cousins in India insist that they want to continue their education even though they surpassed their ‘marriage age’. Speaking for myself, I am fortunate to have the opportunity to earn my education and use my story to inspire others. I can confidently admit that education has been everything for me. It has opened some unexpected doors, giving me the confidence to pursue my dreams and utilize my talents. To all the strong and beautiful women who endures pain and battles, I stand in solidarity with in your victories and in your fight to be heard and tell your story.

Vivamus, moriendum

A few years ago, I went to a retreat with my family, and I came across a young charismatic man who spoke so passionately about his faith journey. Almost two months back, I happened to hear about the unfortunate demise of this young boy. Even though I didn’t personally know him other than through few mutual friends and seeing him at a couple of retreats, it felt as if I lost a close friend of mine.

On the day we went missing, he was boating with his friends in San Antonio when he jumped into the water to rescue one of the other boys from his group. At the time I was informed about this shockingly disturbing incident, I tried going on with my day even though his image kept showing up in my mind. I relentlessly prayed GOD performs a miracle like the ones proclaimed in the Bible like sending a big fish to save Jonah from drowning, and when Jesus walked on water to save his drowning disciple. Similarly, I was praying that this young boy can be found lying unconscious on a shore. However, four days after he went missing, his body was found nearly 200 yards from where he was last seen. Over the days he went missing, I heard people say that all he wanted to do was please GOD by leading his life with purpose and mission. While watching his viewing online, I cried to myself for taking a life that was so pure, saintly, and holy. Perhaps, that’s the reason GOD decided to call the most precious fruit from his garden. When Joel’s body was recovered, a girl from the youth ministry posted a picture on Facebook of a rainbow that appeared over the sky shortly after his body was found. I think that proved GOD was awaiting to welcome this young boy into his heavenly kingdom.

In the past year, death might seem so near and inevitable to many of us particularly at a time we are still dealing with the global pandemic. Not to mention the number of losses each of us had to go through. It might seem so hard to get past grieving over your loved ones. My mom still dwells about her 2-year-old baby she lost 26 years ago, so I can’t imagine the pain Joel’s parents are going through after losing their child who they have known and raised for the past 20 years. When Jesus was standing in front of Lazarus’s tomb, he wept because he shared the sorrow of Lazarus’s family. Even just before Jesus was crucified on the cross, he wept not because of the pain; instead, he felt sympathy and compassion for all mankind. The resurrection of Lazarus was like a parable that death is not the end. Instead, it is a sign we start to see the manifestation of God’s power over mankind’s life and death. It’s important we take the time to mourn over our own losses, but we have to at some point move through that loss and spend the time we have on this earth to carry on the legacy of our loved ones and start living in GOD. The life of this exemplary servant of GOD proves it’s possible to be fully committed to him. I hope he continues to inspire us spiritually, and that each of us accepts this awakening to henceforth lead our life with the goodness and love of GOD.

An Exquisite Friendship

A few weeks ago, I watched the Netflix documentary, My Octopus Teacher, which depicts a wildlife filmmaker (Craig Foster) forging an unusual friendship with a cephalopod during his underwater expedition. The documentary is deeply meditative, as it beautifully frames the vibrant life of the kelp forest off the coast in South Africa. It hits close to home when this gentleman mentions how he one day decides to venture out on this diving venture to seek a radical change from his depression. At first, he comes across an alien-looking creature shielding itself with seashells, but later onwards, he realizes it is a wild octopus armoring itself from predators. He often visits her in anticipation to understand her environment, lifestyle, and behavior. Then one day, she puts one of her tentacles out toward him to greet this stranger. She soon trusts this man like a friend, and she shows off her mannerisms and intelligence as if she is trying to impress this new guy. Even though he doubts if this creature is getting anything out of this relationship, he revisits to bond with her and to understand her high invertebrate intelligence. He states he was impressed to see this highly anti-social animal play with the shoal of fish. As a viewer, it was like watching a poetry in motion, particularly in the way she was cloaking herself and making those gentle strokes with her tentacles as if she was playing a piano.

When the octopus huddles in its den as she recovers from the shark attack, the filmmaker remembers his depressive state of mind. He notices how both of their lives are reflecting off each other as this resilient creature regenerates her severed arm, and soon, he is confident he will be able to grow out of his depression. He starts to question his own vulnerability and his relationship with others while he kept going back during the healing process. It was dreading to watch the octopus slowly die while she was saving her energy and strength to oxygenate the eggs, so they are able to hatch in time. Even during her last days, she resides outside her den to die, and in some way, she was letting the fishes and brittle stars to feed off her, allowing the kelp forest to nourish. After her tragic death, Craig visits her main den to feel her presence, and then, he comes across a baby octopus that might be one of her own young. He takes his son underwater to show and teach him everything, passing on his knowledge about marine wildlife. Seems to me, he was trying to get closure and pay her respect by teaching his own son about the ocean because the octopus had no parents to guide her, nor she was able to be there for her own young.

Above the surface of the water, the kelp forest looks like just patches of isolated, dense area, but they provide food and shelter for thousands of marine species. The film reminds us we are all connected to the earth and the small lives around, whether it being in life and even death. We express our gratitude to John Muir for his visionary ideas and conservation efforts that led to the national parks we have access to in the modern-day. However, we are so behind on the sanctuary of marine wildlife because we go on with our way of life that is affecting the ocean’s health. The film reminds us we have a responsibility to protect and sustain the marine biodiversity to create a healthy ocean and ultimately a healthy planet.

Stay Strong

For the past few months, I am struggling to write as much because I keep losing focus. I am constantly revising my drafts and putting them off to finish later because I fail to gather my thoughts together. Though, I ought to write this post especially, since we are facing these challenging times. Cultural stigmas are incessant battles, as those pertaining to their ethnicities face constant criticism from society. Reminiscing back to my early childhood which I spend in India, I remember how schools or even families never drew attention to this sensitive topic. On top of that, it’s very common to see parents insisting to their child that they’ll outgrow this temporary phase. There are so many adolescents who shut themselves off because they are unable to express what’s racing in their minds. Even in western society, it’s shaking to think that there is so much taboo surrounding the topic. We need to work towards a world where we value mental health and treat it the same way as physical health. That way everyone has somewhere to turn to when they need help. We all deserve some love.

*My Alma matter (UNC Greensboro) took this picture when they were hosting the annual mental awareness month in September*

Staying at home and being healthy seems like the optimal option during this pandemic, but social distancing comes with its own fallout. It’s normal to feel separated from the support and companionship of our friends and family. Even though some of us might be staying at home with our family, the reality of social isolation can trigger loneliness, sadness, and anxiety. It can be difficult to voice out for help when we live in a world craved by societal norms that dictate our every move and thoughts. We fail to realize the immense amount of pressure in presenting that ‘perfect’ person. To anyone out there who is going through a rough time, remind yourself that you are not alone because God is watching over you. Keep emphasizing to yourself that you are much stronger than your mental health and that you will grow out of this. Don’t be afraid to fully embrace the vulnerabilities, pain, and insecurities. Do not be petrified to speak your voice and break the glass ceilings that societies impose on us. It’s time we break that stigma by making our mental health a priority and advocate for a better support system. If any of you are going through a tough time coping with these unprecedented times, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I may not know each of you personally, but I will take the time to talk with you. It’s far better to express it all out to a stranger than let it fire in your mind.

Break the Silence

Just when we start adapting to the new life in a pandemic, it’s devastating to see the unjust killing of another black individual. My heart is heavy and mind is filled with rage, turmoil and sadness every time I hear about a death similar to George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery and several others. This should not be the new ‘normal’ that we have to face. As a matter of humanity, I thought it’s important to come forward and address the systematic racism that continues to persist in the US history. It’s been a decade since we voted for a black president to symbolize the nation and its people. It’s been half a century since Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., fought hard against racial injustice. Even when we believe we have come far since then, we are proven wrong by these hate crimes, anti-immigrant rhetoric and white supremacy. I must admit there was a time when I was hesitant to share my thoughts on racism and injustice. But as Dr. King once said, “there comes a time when silence becomes betrayal”. My heart goes out to the entire black community who have been victims of racial injustice. I pray there comes a day where you are able to walk across the street without any fear of your lives being in jeopardy. I relentlessly pray the future generation would not have to watch history repeat itself again. I may not resonate with what you might be going through, but I unquestionably stand in solidarity with each one of you.

#blacklivesmatter

Dress for yourself

A few years ago, I perceived fashion to a term given what’s trendy out there and what’s attracts others the most. Most often, we care so much about fitting in with the crowd, but we forget to be ourselves. More than trying to adapt to the latest fashion trend, it’s more important to cultivate your own unique style that presents yourself to be confident and charismatic. Following the pop culture or certain fashion brands might help to draw inspiration, but one should be creative and dress based on their own comfortability. I love being creative and having my own style that allows me to express who I am and shape myself. A lot of people have told me my style has changed drastically and it probably has. There are things I am more comfortable wearing now that I would never wear when I was 17 years old. Back in high school, I often had to fight against feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I often felt very down when I saw I could not meet up with the expectations of others on how I should dress and what they find attractive. Over the years, I learned to accept that I am the one who defines what makes me look good instead of going by others and what they find attractive. Even if this line of thought makes me look like a rebellion, all human acts are some sort of rebellious that requires real courage.

The actress, Helena Carter once quoted, “Everything in life is an art. What you do. The way you love someone and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you dress”. Indeed, fashion is one of the purest expressions of art because it is an art lived on a daily basis. Dressing for yourself is no easy task, but I can assure it’s very liberating when you start to care less and accept your body as it is. So, if you want to wear those baggy jeans with the oversized sweater, don’t let the external voices tell you it looks very tacky. It’s your look and you know what you’ll rock wearing.

Out in the Wilderness

Almost two years ago, my younger brother and I went on one of the most exhilarating trips to the Blue Ridge Mountains in Asheville. It was a 2-mile hike to the top of the summit with an exceptional panoramic view. The trail took us through tunnels of rhododendron, gnarled sweet birch trees, and wildflowers. It was foggy when we reached the top, blocking our view of the sunset. Even then, it felt so refreshing up there with the wind brushing against our face. There was a woman standing further out where she was dressed in her wedding gown, posing for her bridal photoshoot. She looked so angelic in her white gown and in the backdrop of the lush green mountains. The following day, we did a 3-mile roundabout trip to see the Glen Burney fall. This mountain trip is still my favorite hiking trip because it was my first hiking venture, and I had a great time bonding with my mom and brother.

I go on hiking trips occasionally with friends around North Carolina and nearby states. My mom gets annoyed whenever I go hiking. It’s hard to describe to her how surreal it feels to be out there. I get so excited the day before a hike that I can’t even fall asleep. While strolling along the plains, you can’t help appreciate God’s creative work. He created such things in an orderly fashion like the birds chirping, the petrichor scent produced by the forest after a rain and the beauty of the lush meadow in the spring. It’s that nature God created for us which ignites our senses and the soul. It feels so empowering every time I set forth on a hike because it helps me regain my self-confidence. Every moment we spend in nature is an amazing opportunity to know more about ourselves and the world we live in. Being immersed in nature keeps you grounded in the present moment, so you can have both mental and emotional clarity. I am more self-aware about my surroundings and movements like how I’m moving my feet, the weight on my back, and the feeling of truly being alive. Living in a pressured society, it is a common human intrinsic to feel judged upon all the time. In fact, nature teaches us to be authentic and to be our natural self by being alone with yourself in a non-judgmental atmosphere.

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During one February when I was hiking with my friends at the McKnobb Mountain in Virginia, I forgot to bring my gloves. When we reached the top, it was brutally windy and around 20 Fahrenheit at that high elevation. I tried to keep my hands in the pocket of my jacket, but that wasn’t much help. After a while, my hands felt so numb and they were really swollen. Another woman standing off to the side came up to me and gave me her extra pair of gloves. I ate few wraps we had and drank tons of water to keep myself warm. As we started descending down, I felt better and my hands stopped swelling. Another time when we were hiking Stone Mountain, it took us about six hours to complete the hike in the grueling heat. When we climbed back down, we stopped for a water break by a water pump. Living in the western world, we sometimes neglect to enjoy the small luxuries in life like witnessing a sunrise or sunset, being able to stay warm, having adequate water, and being able to sit down for a meal with your family.

To be honest, it’s been quite a while since I went on a hike. I have been eager to use the hiking boots my brother gifted me for Christmas. In the past few months, I have been occupied to accomplish things that are required for graduate school. Even when my life gets busier and I start a family, I hope I’ll still be able to lace up my boots, load up my backpack and go on an adventure. Despite all the challenges that come along with hiking and long treks, I am so determined to see what kind of trails I come across and the things they will offer me.

The Other Side

During my senior year, I sought to make my final year at UNC Greensboro impactful to myself and my peers. When I signed up to be a camp counselor for Camp Kesem, I was eagerly looking forward to being part of this passionate community, which truly lives by its purpose. Camp Kesem is a non-profit organization that provides a free week of summer camp for children, supporting them through and beyond by their parents’ cancer. There are over 100+ chapters nationwide, entirely run by college students. Kesem has by far been one of the best things I have ever experienced during college, and I can not explain my new profound love for the organization. If it was prior to Kesem, I would be reluctant to attend summer camps, being oblivious to its primary purpose. I never partook in any camps as a child, nor had been a camp counselor. As camp days approached, I was hesitant to be part of the camp, having a vague picture of what to expect.

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However, I feel so fortunate to spend my time as a counselor, bonding with kids of all ages and other colleagues. It is captivating when you understand all the campers and counselors resonates amongst each other on ‘why they Kesem’. I lost track of the days; I felt like I was on a vacation out in the woods with my family. Having depression and anxiety for the past five years, I am really particular about who I share it with. By being part of the Kesem family, I felt supported instantly. There was one particular time when all the kids and counselors gathered around to talk about ‘Why We All Kesem?’. It was incredibly empowering to listen to the kids’ stories. I was touched and was not able to resist my tears when I realized that some of them are just as confused and anxious. They have difficulty acknowledging the gravity of their situation; and so, they mask their confusion by playing and laughing. Kesem opened my eyes to find there are some kids forced to grow up and mature at a young age after the loss of a parent or when they find about their parents’ cancer.

On our last night, we gathered around a campfire to sing the camp song one last time. We were all handed a pine cone to symbolize any fear we have. As I tossed the pine cone into the fire and watched the fire turn blue, I felt as if the weight around my neck lifted off. I surrendered myself to the moment between the tides, finding peace within the tumult that is to come. I felt liberated when I saw that my fears were ignited, reminding myself to not dwell on the past and to live in the present. I am not even sure if I’ll be able to be part of camp next summer, but I am never going to let go of this life experience. I am uncertain what the future holds for me, but I will carry the spirit of Kesem in my endeavors. Being part of the Kesem family has motivated me to prioritize my values, happiness and to foster my relationship with my family. It’s remarkably inspiring when you are able to forget all your worries and feel rejuvenated by being a kid again for a week. The camp forced me to be vulnerable and provided me with a different outlook on life. I walked into Kesem desired to bring a change in the kids’ lives, but Kesem has also transformed me for the better by nurturing my creativity and leadership skills.

A Letter To Myself in 5 Years.

Hey! I am writing this as I’m sitting outside the Sullivan Building at UNCG. I just finished my last class for the day. I am 22 and almost two months away until graduating. I am still not sure what I am supposed to do and that’s okay! 🙂 I just want to say I hope you are doing well in life and living the way you always dreamed of. I hope you got into the graduate school in New York like you wished for. I hope you don’t treat your mind like a prison anymore and let all those unwanted thoughts just stay cluttered in there. Treat yourself with self-compassion like how you always show others. Just remember that everything is temporary in this world and appreciate the little things around you. I hope you still embrace your life with a smile no matter what you are going through. I know you are not that close to your dad, but keep working on your relationship with him. Most of all, surrender all your fears to GOD and let Him fill you with His peace. He understands and loves you more than anyone! I honestly can’t wait to see how much you grow five years from now.

I tried to make it impromptu as possible and just wrote whatever came to my mind. I got this idea to write a note to myself after watching a video on Youtube where this girl asks strangers to record a voicemail for themselves to listen to in 5 years. Her name is Thoraya Maronesy. Her content is so inspiring. You guys should check her Youtube channel out.

Leaving Home

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It is so hard to believe it marks three years since I started college here at UNC Greensboro. Things have changed a lot then– new friends, going away from home, adjusting to college life, changing majors, career choice and being independent. Along with that, I think it made a lot of changes within me as well. These last three years have definitely helped me to become a better version of myself, get perspective, get out of my comfort zone and change my mentality. When I first came here, I was really a girl with so much anxiety who knew literally no one other than a few people from back home. I was frightened out of my mind, thinking if I will fit in and adjust to the new college. From all the long nights in the library, binge coffee drinking session, little dance parties in my room, crying over the phone with my family, skipping class to hang out with friends, getting drunk together, spontaneous road trips, I can not believe these past few years have passed by in the blink of an eye. The sense of community at this place is unmatched. I honestly wouldn’t trade these past three years of my life at UNCG for anything. As much as I will miss this campus and the people tremendously, I am ready to move on with my life and onto the next chapter.